A Letter to the Red States

 

Not sure where this came from (actually, it came from my friend Pam, I’m just not sure of the origin), but I really love this idea.  Sucession!

Dear Red States,

We’ve decided we’re leaving.  We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.  In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan and all the Northeast.  We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.  We get the Statue of Liberty.  You get Dollywood.[I’m sad about that, I wish we got Dollywood… you win some, you lose some].  We get Intel and Microsoft.  You get WorldCom.  We get Harvard.  You get Ole’ Miss.  We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.  We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families.  You get a bunch of single moms.  Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once.  If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.  They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and the don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home.  We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wine (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulphur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT [not to mention the entire UC system], With the Red States, on the other had, you will have to cope with 88% of obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.  We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy jerks believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

Peace out,
Blue States

P.S  The secession starts as soon as we win on Nov. 4th, and there is no truth to the rumor that we need Todd Palin to tell us how to pull it off.

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